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A Confusion of Roles 妈妈赢得孩子尊重有诀窍

（译注：直译为角色错乱）

课文朗读

课文讲解

繁體中文譯本

Are moms giving their children too much attention?  做妈妈的是不是在孩子身上投注了过多心力？

A journalist recently asked me to name the No. 1 problem facing today’s family. I think she expected me to address education, the economy or some other “hot” topic. To her surprise, I said, “a confusion of roles.”

近来，一名记者请我指出当今家庭面临的头号问题。我猜她原本预期我会提出教育、经济或其他「热门」议题。但我却说了个出乎她意料之外的答案：「角色错乱。」

In today’s parenting universe, married women with children think of themselves first and foremost as mothers, and married men with children think of themselves first and foremost as fathers. This is confusion. If you are married with children, you are first and foremost a wife or a husband. In your wedding vows, you did not say, “I take you to be my (husband, wife) until children do us part.” Those vows, many generations old, read the way they do for a reason.

在当今的教养主流当中，已婚妇女生了孩子之后，就认为自己首要的角色是母亲；已婚男士有了孩子之后，也认为自己首要的角色是父亲。这是一种错乱。如果你结婚之后有了小孩，你首要的角色仍应是妻子或丈夫。在结婚誓言里，你并没有说：「我愿与你结为夫妻，至『生子』方休。」（译注：原西方的结婚誓言为until/till death do us apart，至死方休）世世代代流传不变的婚姻誓言之所以那么措词，是有原因的。

Does success depend on mom?  孩子的成功是否取决于母亲？

I’ve been telling recent audiences that parenting has become bad for the mental health of women. Today’s all-too typical mother believes that whether her child experiences success or failure in whatever realm is completely up to her. If she is sufficiently attentive to her child’s needs and sufficiently proactive in his life, he will succeed. If not, he will have problems. The natural consequence of this state of over-focus is anxiety, self-doubt and guilt.

我近来都对听众说，教养子女已经变得有害女性的心理健康。当今过于典型的母亲，都认为孩子在任何领域里的成败完全取决于自己，认为只要自己充分留意孩子的需求，并且主动引导孩子的人生，孩子就会成为一个成功的人。如果没有尽到这些责任，孩子就会有问题。这种过度关注（子女）的自然结果就是焦虑、自我怀疑与内疚。

Symptomatic of this ubiquitous state of bad mental health is mother-to-mother conversation, which will almost invariably be all about their children: what they’re doing for their children, their children’s latest magnificent accomplishments and so on. That today’s mothers cannot seem to think of anything else to talk about is rather, well, sad.

这种无所不见的心理问题常见的症候，就是母亲之间的谈话。这些谈话的内容总是一成不变地与孩子有关，例如她们为孩子做了些什么、她们的孩子最近有哪些了不起的成就等等。如今母亲们似乎想不到其他话可以谈，实在是相当悲哀的事情。

单词发音

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parenting [ˋpɛrəntɪŋ] n. 父母对孩子的养育[照顾] the rearing of a child or children, especially the care, love, and guidance given by a parent

vow [vaʊ] n. 誓言，誓约

till death do us part 至死方休 It means that the only thing which can put an end to your marriage is the death of either partner. In other words, no divorce.

all-too 太...; 太过于.. to a high degree;

realm [rɛlm] n. 领域；范围

symptomatic [͵sɪmptəˋmætɪk] adj. 症状的

课文朗读

课文讲解

The more attention you pay a child, the less attention the child will pay to you. The 1950s mother went about her child rearing with an almost casual attitude. It was “all in a day’s work,” as opposed to being all of her day’s work. She exuded a sense of confidence in her authority; therefore, her child recognized her authority. She established a clear boundary between herself and her child ( as in, “I don’t have time for you right now, so go find something of your own to do”) that today’s mother feels prohibited from doing. Thus, today’s mother often feels as if she is under assault from her children from the time they wake up until they consent to occupy their beds.

你关注孩子愈多，孩子投注在你身上的注意力就会愈少。一九五０年代的母亲几乎是以随兴的态度来养育孩子。养育孩子只不过是「包含在一天当中的工作之一」，而不是一整天的工作。当时的母亲对于自己的权威散发出高度的自信，因此孩子也对母亲的权威有所认知。当时的母亲在自己和孩子之间画出了明确的界线（例如：「我现在没有时间陪你，先自己去找点事情做」），当今的母亲却觉得自己不能这么做。因此，今日的母亲总是从孩子一醒来就觉得自己不断受到孩子的侵扰，直到他们同意上床睡觉才得以喘一口气。

Setting boundaries  设定界线

In any relationship, a well-defined boundary is necessary to respect. For example, men may “like” women who do not establish clear boundaries, but they have no respect for them. In this regard, it is no mystery why so many of today’s kids seem to have no respect for their mothers, or any other adult for that manner.

在任何一种人际关系里，都必须设定明确的界线才能建立相互尊重。举例而言，男人也许「喜欢」不画下明确界线的女人，但他们却不会尊重这样的女人。就此看来，难怪当今有那么多的孩子似乎都不尊重自己的母亲，甚至对其他大人也都毫不尊重。

I always knew that I could depend on [my mother], but there was enough of a boundary in the relationship to prevent me from ever becoming dependent. This state of affairs is healthy for both parent and child.

我向来知道自己能够仰赖我的母亲，但我们彼此的关系具有清楚的界线，所以我不至于过度依赖。这种相处方式对父母与孩子而言都比较健康。

Most of the discipline problems today that parents experience with their children have their genesis in this nouveau and very dysfunctional family model. These discipline problems, therefore, are not going to be corrected by manipulating reward and punishment with clever behavioral methods. They will correct themselves when the dysfunction is corrected. The problem here is that it’s difficult to accept that what one is doing is dysfunctional when everyone is doing it.

当今的父母在孩子身上遇到的管教问题，大多都根源于这种极不正常的新式家庭型态。因此，精明地利用行为取向的操纵性奖惩做法不可能矫正这类管教问题。只要家庭的不正常状态获得矫正，管教问题自然就会迎刃而解。问题在于，一般人只要看到所有人都采取同样的做法，就很难接受自己的做法是不正常的。

－by John Rosemond

单词发音

More Information

go about 从事, 忙于 to approach the doing of something in a particular way

casual [ˋkæʒʊəl] adj. 随便的，漫不经心的 If you are casual, you are, or you pretend to be, relaxed and not very concerned about what is happening or what you are doing.

prohibit [prəˋhɪbɪt] v. 禁止

assault [əˋsɔlt] v. 侵犯人身

genesis [ˋdʒɛnəsɪs] n.【文】起源

in this regard 关于; 在这点上 on this point, on this matter

nouveau  ['nuvoʊ]  adj. 新近产生的 new and different, often fashionably so

单词发音

Vocabulary Focus

attentive [əˋtɛntɪv] adj. 注意的，留意的 listening carefully

proactive [proˋæktɪv] adj. 积极主动的 taking action by causing change and not only reacting to change when it happens

ubiquitous [juˋbɪkwətəs] adj. 普遍存在的﹐ 无处不在的 seeming to be in all places

invariably [ɪnˋvɛrɪəb!ɪ] adv. 不变地，一定地，总是 always

exude [ɪgˋzjud] v.（气味等）散发 to show a lot of a feeling, such as confidence, pain or love

consent [kənˋsɛnt] v. 同意，答应 to agree to do something, or to allow someone to do something

dysfunctional [dɪsˋfʌŋkʃənl] adj. 不正常的 characterized by a breakdown of normal or beneficial relationships between members of the group

Parenting by the Book