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Living with Children 教养大不易

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Parenting is much more than rewarding good behavior and punishing bad  教养之道并非只是赏罚分明

More than 40 years of behavior modification propaganda has the typical American parent convinced that the discipline of a child is accomplished by effectively manipulating reward and punishment. Consequences do indeed have their place, but whereas dogs and other lower life forms respond reliably to reward and punishment, humans do not. As many parents will affirm, rewards given for good behavior may result in an increase in bad behavior. Likewise, punishment may do nothing but steel a child’s resolve to prove that no one can tell him what to do.

四十多年来对行为改变理论的大力鼓吹，让一般美国家长深信，有效运用赏罚可以达到管教孩子的目的。行为后果确实有其功效，然而狗和其他较低等动物对于赏罚虽会有可靠的响应，但人类可不是如此。许多家长一定都同意，奖励良好行为可能会导致不当行为增加。同样地，惩罚也有可能只是让孩子下定决心，硬是要证明没有人可以对其发号施令。

Be a leader, not a friend  要当孩子的引导者，而不是孩子的朋友

Discipline is the process by which one transforms the terrible toddler into a prosocial human being who will look up to his parents (and other adults whom they identify as legitimate authority figures), follow their lead, and subscribe to their values. In other words, the child will respect, obey, and be loyal. That is not accomplished by manipulating reward and punishment. It is accomplished by providing two essential L-words: Love and Leadership.

管教就是将可怕的三岁小孩改造成亲社会者的过程，让孩子懂得尊敬父母（以及他们所认同具有权威的其他成人）、遵循他们的带领、接受他们的价值观。换句话说，孩子懂得尊重、服从、忠诚。这不是靠操作赏罚，而是靠父母提供的两样基本要素：那就是爱与领导。

The problem in today’s parenting environment is that many, if not most, parents have substituted enabling for love and relationship for leadership. The enabling comes from parents who believe it is their job to solve all their children’s problems, from how to spend after-school time to making sure homework is returned to school without blemish. The attempt at relationship is evidenced by dads who strive to no higher ideal than to be their children’s buddies and moms who do more to and for their kids than they do their husbands. This is all well-intentioned, but good intentions are no excuse.

今日教养情况的问题在于，许多父母以凡事包办代替爱，以亲密关系代替领导。凡事包办来自于父母把解决孩子所有问题当做是自己的责任，从如何安排课后时间到交给学校的功课必须毫无缺点，无所不包。有些爸爸没有更高远的理想，一心只想当孩子的哥儿们；有些妈妈对孩子所说的话、为孩子所做的事，比对自己丈夫还多，这都是努力想增进亲子感情的明证。这些当然立意良好，但用心良善绝对不成理由。

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behavior modification 行为改变 the direct changing of unwanted conduct by means of basic learning techniques

propaganda [prɑpəˋgændə] n. 宣传，宣传活动（或计划，方法）

reliably [rɪˋlaɪəblɪ] adv. 可靠地；确实地

affirm [əˋfɝm] v. 证实，确认

resolve [rɪˋzɑlv] n. 决心，决意

toddler [ˋtɑdlɚ] n. 刚学走路的小孩

prosocial [proˋsoʃəl] adj. 亲社会的，忠实（或拘泥）于既定社会道德准则的  caring about the rights of others and behaving in ways that benefit them

look up to 敬佩; 尊敬 to admire; respect

subscribe [səbˋskraɪb] v. 同意，赞许

well-intentioned [ˋwɛlɪnˋtɛnʃənd] adj. 好意的；出于好意的

excuse [ɪkˋskjuz] n. 理由；借口

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True parent-love is not concerned with a child’s immediate reaction to a parental decision. Because they cannot easily distinguish need from want, children do not know what is in their best interest. Therefore, true parent-love may cause a child to become upset.

真正的父母之爱所在乎的，不是孩子对于父母决定的立即反应。由于孩子无法轻易分辨「需要」与「想要」的不同，以致于不知道怎么做才符合自己的最佳利益；因此真正的父母之爱可能会让孩子不高兴。

Focus on the long term  眼光放远

Likewise, leadership is less concerned about the here and now than it is the future. Again, a child’s initial response to effective leadership may not be “positive.” It is only over time that the child begins to realize that his parents’ leadership is in his best interest, even if he doesn’t always like its form. Leaders also recognize that the attempt at relationship is antithetical to leadership. Therefore, if parents put leadership first, relationship will follow naturally in its own time, and it will be a better relationship as a consequence.

同样地，「领导」在乎的比较不是此时此刻，而是未来。孩子对于有效领导一开始的反应可能并不「正面」，但是时间一久，即使孩子未必喜欢父母的做法，也能逐渐体会出父母的领导对他们最有益。领导者也承认，想增进亲子感情的企图会和领导统御成为对立的两方，因此，若父母将领导摆在首位，亲子关系会依其时自然跟进，最终亲子关系会因而更好。

Leadership is simple the calm, confident conveyance of authority. It is acting like you know what you are doing, the nature of your purpose, and what you want. It is not having a consultation with a 4-year-old concerning what foods will grace his plate for dinner. Leadership is not concerned that the child is averse to vegetables. It is concerned with producing a citizen who loves his neighbor enough to graciously accept any food the neighbor serves him.

「领导」不过就是以平静自信传达出权威，表现出知道自己在做什么，知道自己用意的本质、知道自己要什么，而不是和四岁小孩商量晚餐想吃什么，「领导」在乎的不是孩子讨厌吃蔬菜，而是要培养出一位敬爱邻居的公民，能有礼貌地接受邻居端出的任何食物。

Make your expectations clear  清楚表达期待

I recently asked an older friend of mine how his parents caused him to be obedience to their wishes. “What methods did they use?” I asked. He thought about that for a while, and then said, “They didn’t use any methods at all. They simply expected, and their expectations were clear.”

我最近问过一位老朋友，他的父母是如何让他顺从他们的期望。「你爸妈是用什么方法？」我问道。他想了好一会儿，才说道，「他们没有用任何方法，只是对我有所期待，而且他们的期待很明确。」

Note that my friend’s parents didn’t plead, bargain, bribe, cajole, reason, explain or threaten. They simply expected. With the onehand they loved; with the other they led. And each of the two hands knew what the other was doing.

请注意，我朋友的爸妈并没有恳求、协商、收买、哄骗、劝说、解释或威胁，他们只是有所期待，他们一方面疼爱子女，另一方面则领导子女，两边可都对另一方的动向一清二楚喔。

−by John Rosemond

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antithetical [͵æntɪˋθɛtɪk!] adj.【正式】正相反的; 对立的  the exact opposite

consultation [͵kɑnsəlˋteʃən]  n. 商议; 咨询 [（+with）] a meeting to discuss something or to get advice

grace [gres] v. 为…增色；使更加优美

graciously [ˋgreʃəslɪ] adv. 亲切地；和蔼地；殷勤地

obedience [əˋbidjəns] n. 服从，顺从

plead [plid] v. 恳求

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Vocabulary Focus

manipulate [məˋnɪpjə͵let] v.（熟练地）操作，运用 to handle or use something skillfully

steel [stil] v. 使坚强，使下决心 to make stronger or more firm

blemish [ˋblɛmɪʃ] n. 瑕疵；污点；缺点 a mark or flaw that detracts from something

distinguish [dɪˋstɪŋgwɪʃ] v. 区别；识别 to recognize or understand the difference between two things

conveyance [kənˋveəns] n. 表达，传达 the act of expressing or communicating something

averse [əˋvɝs] adj. 反对的；不愿意的；嫌恶的（+to）[+to-v] strongly disliking or opposed to

cajole [kəˋdʒol] v. 勾引；诱骗 to persuade someone to do something they might not want to do, by pleasant talk and sometimes false promises